The Advent of Authoritarianism at PHS: Mary Lyons Solidifies Her Iron Grip on Power

A satirical response

Portsmouth, New Hampshireㅡ

This week the worrying trend of PHS’s slide to authoritarianism was finally realized through a culmination of school-shattering events. Finally, after years of resistance, the Napoleon of New Hampshire took control, molding PHS into a model totalitarian state.

With one iron-studded leather boot on the throat of PHS’s lead resistance fighter, and seated in her infamous Iron Throne, she announced over the intercom that her dominion over Portsmouth High is uncontested and absolute.

“From this day forward I declare Portsmouth High School to be under the ultimate and total authority of Arch Chancellor Mary Lyons, Emperor of Portsmouth, and Supreme Leader of this Establishment. Henceforth, resistance will not be tolerated, nor will expressions of self deemed to be against the state. These new rules are outlined in the student handbook, as well as the hard labor credit requirement for graduation.”

This proclamation blared over the announcements on Tuesday, as Portsmouth students sat frozen in their seats with ashen looks of horror on their faces. Multiple students, who wished to stay anonymous for their own safety, reported that ‘threatening men’ clad all in black stormed into classes to suppress dissent, shut down cafeteria riots, and even take away students suspected of supporting the resistance. This, coming after the slow process of absorbing PHS’s last free media outlet, Clipper News, into her vast information empire, that includes the Paper Clip and Daily Announcements, signals the utter death of free speech at an institution which once cherished it.

One key characteristic of such authoritarian governments are attempts to suppress freedom of expression and dissent via threatening their populace. Mary Lyon’s regime is rife with such examples, from denying off-campus rights to leaving a crashed car outside the school as a gruesome reminder of what happens to those who threaten her place as our Supreme Leader.

By suppressing freedom of speech and expression, extorting the citizens through aggressive parking-pass and prom ticket fees, and through intimidation and threatening of political rivals, Mary Lyons has utterly solidified her iron grip on the once thriving democracy of PHS, showing that without a strong and engaged voting base, even the best democracies can crumble. With student elections coming up, one of the few remaining bastions of Portsmouth democracy is at stake.

Make the right choice and fight against this totalitarian regime, before it’s too late.