Thank you, College Board

A Satirical Response

Julianne Edwards, PHS Paperclip writer

Dear College Board,

As a senior who is graduating in only a few days, I don’t have much time to spare. However, there is one group that I need to spend a couple minutes thanking, the College Board.

Thank you College Board for the $327 dollars I paid in exam fees. I love the feeling of a light wallet. I will never have to worry about getting mugged because there won’t be anything left for them to take.

Thank you College Board for the 1,150 minutes I spent taking your exams. I would have wasted those minutes sleeping or socializing. Thank goodness I had you to save me from making those horrible mistakes.

Thank you College Board for the hours I spent filling out my personal information before every test. I never memorized my home address or phone number before I started taking your tests, but thank you for giving me that push to do so.

Thank you College Board for giving my email to every college in the world. I’ve always wanted my inbox to be bombarded with obscure schools begging for my application.

Thank you College Board for the late nights I spent studying and stressing for your exams. I loved the way my face looked with large purple bags under my eyes and acne all over my forehead.

Thank you College Board for the 6am mornings because studies show that students perform at their best on tests before the sun comes out. I love fighting sleep while I try to read the excerpts from Jane Eyre or some other novel I would never read.

Thank you College Board for the passages in your tests from studies and books I’ve never heard of. The indecipherable language and lack of voice the authors turn the awesome test into a learning experience.

Thank you College Board for putting me in a room full of strangers. I enjoyed every silent, awkward interaction with them. I’ll have you know that I am lifelong friends with each and every one of them.

Thank you College Board for giving me less time to write an essay than I have to eat lunch. I always write my best 5 paragraph essays with extensive and specific detail under a suffocating time constraint.

Thank you College Board for killing multiple forests to create my exams, because my education is more important than the health of the planet. The world doesn’t need trees anyway.

Thank you College Board for the headaches during the exams and exam prep classes. I now know that I can push through any pain.

Thank you College Board for the back and arm strength I have gained from carrying around textbooks that weigh more than my 8 year old brother.

And finally, thank you for forcing me to take an exam in order to maintain my top 10 position. I never wanted to go on that field trip to Six Flags and enjoy the little time I have left of my senior year with my friends. Who likes riding big scary roller coasters anyway?

What would I do without you College Board?


Julianne Edwards