Chemical Compound Causes Teen Hormones To Go Wild

{Satire people, Satire}

Ella McGrail, Satire Journalist

PHS Junior Simon Rand pulls his mouth away from the lips of fellow Junior Mazy Carter after five minutes of uninterrupted face sucking. The pair smile at one another, then Rand walks down the hall, leaving the locker bae filled with embracing couples behind. As he passes the English wing water fountain a confused expression crosses his face. “I don’t even know that chick,” he says.

This is but one example in a wider epidemic here at PHS. Whenever students gather around the locker baes, they are gripped by an unquenchable, unexplainable desire to make out. Oblivious to the nauseated expressions of the students and teachers passing by them, the couples grip one another and exchange saliva with reckless passion.

“It’s mystifying,” says science teacher Maya Reigns, whose classroom is located near one of the third floor baes. “Kids who are fighting or think that they’re just friends step into the lockers and all of a sudden, they’re practically undressing each other.”

Reigns expressed half-hearted gratitude that the phenomena hasn’t spread to teachers, though she casts a wistful look at the door of the swarthy physics teacher across the hall.

The strange behavior sparked by the locker baes has been passed on to the guidance staff, but the response as has been one of indifference.

“Teenagers are horny,” said counselor Dan Greeley. “We’d think something was abnormal if they weren’t making out all the time.”

But PHS educators were not so sure. A group of biology teachers got together, and with the help of several AP Bio students collected residue samples from the tops of the lockers. They then put the samples through lab analysis.

“We were shocked,” said Jake McKenna, an AP Bio student involved in the testing. “We found enough hormone enhancer to turn on a two hundred pound Gorilla.”

Apparently the chemical they located throughout the locker baes is capable of increasing a teenager’s sex drive ten fold.

“We’re talking Fifty Shades,” says McKenna.

The Biology team has done its best to remove all traces of the hormone enhancer from the locker baes, but the chemical is resilient and traces still remain. It is unknown who is responsible for planting the chemical, or what the reason behind such a crime could possibly be.

“Someone’s attempt to make up with their girlfriend may have gone to far,” McKenna guessed.

No word yet from the administration on this latest biochemical attack.