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The Advent of Authoritarianism at PHS: Mary Lyons Solidifies Her Iron Grip on Power

Riley Burke, Satire Journalist

June 1, 2017

Portsmouth, New Hampshireㅡ This week the worrying trend of PHS’s slide to authoritarianism was finally realized through a culmination of school-shattering events. Finally, after years of resistance, the Napoleon of New Hampsh...

Riot Ensues After Cafeteria Does Not Serve Any Form of Chicken

Ella McGrail, Satirist

May 31, 2017

Anyone stuck in detention for the next week at PHS will be tasked with cleaning dried ketchup off the cafeteria walls and picking tater tots out of the radiators. “This is at least 6 days of work,” said math teacher Mart...

Chemical Compound Causes Teen Hormones To Go Wild

Ella McGrail, Satire Journalist

May 23, 2017

PHS Junior Simon Rand pulls his mouth away from the lips of fellow Junior Mazy Carter after five minutes of uninterrupted face sucking. The pair smile at one another, then Rand walks down the hall, leaving the locker bae filled w...

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